So, Captain America’s not in this. Let that sink in. It’s an Avengers parody… with no Captain America. That’s weird. With that out of the way, let me say that what Avengers does well, it does very well. It’s shot well. It looks really cool. The costumes are (mostly) great. The special effects are really good. There’s plenty in the script that says the guys making the movie know what they’re talking about when it comes to the Avengers (with references to both Ms Marvel’s history with the Skrulls and Hawkeye opening a “west coast branch,” for example). Aside from the roster of movie characters, Spider-Man, Spider-Woman, Ms. Marvel, Scarlet Witch, Sharon Carter and She-Hulk (cast in “Patrick Stewart as Professor Xavier” perfection as Chyna) all make the leap to film in the unofficial version of Earth’s Mightiest Heroes. Also let it be said that I’m no expert on the AVN Awards, but if there’s an award specifically for costume design, the work in this movie should take it for the brilliant an innovative use of zippers alone. I’ve never seen more deliberate placement of zippers in my life… For real.
The main problem with this as a movie is that aside from each other, the Avengers don’t really do anything. With a running time of an hour and 45 minutes, you’d think more would happen besides getting the gang together, but nope. That’s it. Hulk punches Iron Man, but that’s the extent of the fighting. There are some good bits of dialogue, but nowhere near enough of them. Lexington Steele is pretty awesome as Nick Fury and there are some other pretty good performances (and one really bad one), but there’s no substance to this movie beyond super heroes bumpin’ uglies.
The argument could certainly be made that that’s the whole point, but Axel Braun’s recently-released Star Wars XXX managed to tell a complete version of A New Hope and was legitimately hilarious in some places and it looked really great. It was a true parody. Avengers XXX? Not so much. The non-nekkid portions are at best the first act of a plot. It opens with a fairly lengthy bit of plot, but after that the sex scenes are pretty much one after the other. As for the naughty bits, your actual mileage will vary, of course, depending on your personal preferences. Overall, Avengers XXX feels nowhere near as complete as some of the other movies in this crop of genre porn parodies we’re seeing these days. It’s not as fun as Batman XXX and it’s not as whole as Star Wars XXX. Despite the truly impressive production values and attention to detail in the costumes and makeup, it’s hard to recommend Avengers XXX as a movie you need to see, whereas every human alive should see Batman XXX for its delightful weirdness. Maybe the novelty of this movement has worn off, or maybe this one just wasn’t as good as some of the others we’ve seen. They can’t all be winners, after all. But hey, there’s a cliffhanger ending, so who knows what can happen next?
I give Avengers XXX 3 out of 5 well-placed zippers.