In the ever-evolving landscape of fandom, there are simply some things that should not have happened. In Retcon This!, we examine some of the more questionable aspects of our beloved geek properties.

Okay I’ll be the first to admit that the Puppet Master movies are a guilty pleasure of mine, I really really really love to be scared crapless by them. On my very own “Terror Levels” Chart the murderous marionettes stand tall over a Zombie Baby (BATCON-4) but are dwarfed by the threat of the Flying Shark (BATCON-2).

Yet all are literally overshadowed by BATCON-1.

Anywho, my fanboyish squealing aside for the deadly, deadly magically empowered unstrung anti-heroes of the VHS shelves I’m here to talk about the horrible missteps that have been taken with this franchise. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of Puppet Master basically a globe trotting Puppeteer learns the secrets of imbuing life upon all things inanimate. In his own perverse game of playing God/saving the World he brings to life a small cadre of marionettes some of which are based upon people he cared for in his lifetime that were taken from him by the machinations of various evil doers be it Nazis, Cultists, Nazi Cultists, or Demons.

But never Surf Nazis.

While Andre Toulon, the titular Puppet Master, shows up pretty much every other movie either as himself, or as a flashback, or a zombie (BATCON-3), the Puppets are guaranteed to be in every film (being equally awesome and scary as hell) - unless its basically a 77 minute long clipshow of the previous films that only show clips showcasing the Puppets or a Syfy Channel Original film.

This iteration was good - for ME TO POOP ON!

To break it down to the nitty gritty the first three Puppet Master films are fairly well done, with the original film being straight up horror (Killer Puppets versus Scary Hotel full of Psychics) where the Puppets are used as tools of vengeance. Puppet Master II is a bit more supernatural horror and is a bit more tongue in cheek (Loyal Puppets versus their Master) with a Zombie, the hunt for brains, and awkward giant puppet humor. While Puppet Master III rises above the first two films as its a prequel (Anti-Hero Puppets versus Nazis) showing a still living Andre Toulon living in WW2 Europe and gives us the origins of some of the signature Puppets.

PM 3 give us the gift of some suicidal Nazi Zombies. Thats good film making right there, amirite?

And yet its all the films that come after the glory that is Puppet Master 3 that really chap my ass. We have the aforementioned Clipshow Puppet Master Legacy we have Puppet Master Retro and “Curse of the Puppet Master”, and their inevitable crossover film where they face off against the shoddily recreated Demonic Toys. But I did skip over Puppet Master 4 and 5, they were to be the end cap to the series where a powerful Demon sends his special “Totem” puppets (which look wicked as get out, and are actually kinda bad ass), to wipe out the Puppets and the secret of giving things life.  In 4 and 5 the Puppets are once again heroic rather than villainous tools but its the “spirit of Toulon” scenes that really bog down what could have been two great sequels following the more serious Puppet Master 3.

My favorite Puppet: Torch.

So anywho that brings us to now with Charles Band and the Full Moon crew working on two new Puppet Master films:

1) A new installment to the current series titled Puppet Master: Axis of Evil which fills in some of the story of the Puppet’s shenanigans after Toulon’s suicide at the opening of Puppet Master I. Here the Puppets team up with a kid to stop non-surfing, Nazi Assassins and a Japanese Agent from blowing up a nearby American Munitions factory. Its currently being shot in China and Charles Band is personally overseeing it. Its set to debut later this year.

and

2) A much ballyhooed 3D remake of the first Puppet Master film, which actually really really excites me. Puppet Master is renown for the pop up scares, and gory blood splatter and thus is virtually perfect for a Halloween theatrical release.

As opposed to the original Puppet Master in 3-D. Its virtual Eye Rape, I tells ya!

I know this really wasn’t much of a “Retcon This!” rather more of a “Blaargh” but the proof is in the pudding, Band has announced a full on remake in glorious 3-D it just needs to be done ASAP. (I got Mad Rhymes, bitches!) Just a straight unconvulted reboot of the franchise is in order. Technology and film making techniques have risen to the point that will allow Full Moon and Charles Band to step up and deliver a solid retelling of the this cult horror series that is both true to the roots (Evil Puppets killing People) but also can work in the solid stories that made the films more than just a scarefest (Vengeful Puppets killing Nazis).

Also, in case you were wondering –

BATCON-5 is Spiders.