With so many big names and big events plastered across the shelves of your LCS, sometimes great comics get left behind - some real stinkers squeak by, too. Don’t be taken unaware by these Hidden Horrors.

Written by Chris Claremont, Len Wein, Roy Thomas & Louise Simonson
Art by Tom Derenick, Karl Waller, Alitha Martinez & Pablo Raimondi

Eight years ago, prior to Cyclops becoming the ass-kicking general of all mutantdom and Havok becoming his father’s replacement as leader of the Starjammers, they were both dead. The X-Men were in the midst of a Revolution (which roughly amounted to their most forgettable round of costume changes to date), and Chris Claremont was writing pretty much every X-Men title under the sun. Yes, things were bad for the X-fans, but few things were worse than Black Sun.

This was the 25th anniversary of the “All New, All Different” team of X-Men that debuted in Giant Size #1, and Marvel wanted to celebrate that with shoddy writing, it would seem. Enter the five-part miniseries Black Sun that in no way, shape or form has anything to do with a black sun. In fact, it scarcely has anything to do with the sun or the color black at all. What it is about is five issues too long. Here’s what happens:

The story opens with Kitty Pryde (neither a member of the new OR original X-Men teams) fighting an N’Gari demon in a Danger Room simulation. A package arrives, addressed to the school in general, and after signing for it and laying down to take a nap, Kitty is drawn into Belasco’s realm, Limbo. Apparently, the package had been some sort of totem for Belasco. But then later it’s revealed that Belasco has mystically branded Kitty’s skeleton (don’t ask) and could have summoned her to Limbo at any time. So, uh, what gives with the package?

The first issue focuses primarily on Kitty and most of the “new X-Men,” referred to as such numerous times within the context of the story, fighting the N’Gari. That’s weird; she was just running a simulation fighting one. To stop the demons, Nightcrawler, the wannabe priest, suggests they engage in some dark magic bloodletting ceremony. Nightcrawler, Banshee, Storm, Sunfire and Colossus all bleed into a cup (and yes, this is Colossus in his armored form), and Kitty drinks it, only to become aware that these aren’t the X-Men (duh!), but N’Gari posing as them. It’s here that Belasco actually makes his entrance, and dispatches the false new X-Men to capture five members of the original team.

You see, Belasco needs five soul stones to capture Earth. So rather than taking the souls of the five new X-Men, he allows the N’Gari to possess them and sends them to capture the originals. For no apparent reason. But, weren’t there only five X-Men to begin with? And didn’t Cyclops die? Fortunately, for the purposes of this exercise, Polaris counts (why not Professor X?). Over the course of the issues to come, four of the X-Men are captured, but that’s OK, because apparently now that’s all Belasco needs.

This isn’t the only time that Claremont proves he can’t count, as in issue five, the possessed new X-Men are repeatedly referred to as a group of four…

This story features a Magik who isn’t Illyana, a Thunderbird who isn’t a Proudstar (and how wonderfully gauche that they replaced a Native American with an actual Indian), and more expository dialogue than should ever be necessary. The plot’s so convoluted that it needs to be recounted every three to four pages, and even the writers can’t keep track of what’s going on, as Jean Grey is “introduced” to the demon Pilgrimm in issue four and then has no idea who or what he is in issue five.

I could go on and on to point out all of the flaws, like Wolverine and Beast taking the time to change into their costumes in the middle of all of this, or the scene at the beginning of issue two where Archangel runs Thunderbird and Psylocke off the road just because he’s jealous, but - really - all you need to know is that this tale of demons and sorcery is nothing but suck. It stars Kitty Pryde only so Claremont could masturbate while writing her scenes, and it isn’t in the least bit relevant to any other X-Men story ever written.

This book loses a single point for each issue that’s worse than the last, bringing the grand total to 0 out of 5 ridiculous coincidences, and yes, I’m counting reading the first issue as having been worse than reading nothing at all. Natch.