We’re all about comics here at Panels on Pages, but a geek cannot live on comics alone. Outside the Longbox is our chance to spotlight something outside our typical four-color realm - be it movies, music, TV or whatever.

Disclaimer: The contents of this article and its links cannot be unseen. Continue at your own risk. And I’d probably consider any link or picture within Not Safe for Work, ladies and gents.

Anyone that has used Google Image Search with the “safe mode” off knows there’s a LOT of porno out there. There’s the “good” kind that only needs about four minutes of your time, some that might make the hair on the back of your neck stand at attention, and then there is the Internet porn you accidentally stumble upon after a wrong turn at Albuquerque that will have you seriously considering raising your family in the Amish country of Pennsylvania.

So it should come as no surprise to PoP! readers that Zombie Porn exists, and is growing in prevalence at an alarming rate. What is the market for Zombie Porn? Is it our ilk… the self-professed nerds and geeks of the world who love a good zombie flick, but wish there was more fuckin’? Is there a rabid sect of amateur necrophiliacs who just can’t pull the trigger, and would rather watch the undead hog down on man, woman or zombie from the comfort of their own smelly couches? Or, have we become so desensitized to sex in this day and age, that we need to dress our porn stars in special fx makeup and red corn syrup to get our collective rocks off?

I understand that these are questions you’ve asked yourself on numerous occasions. I’m here to answer none of them. Instead, howzabout I educate you on some of the premiere Zombie Porn on the market. Mind you, these aren’t reviews… because I wouldn’t watch these pieces of filth, you perverts! Instead, for those of you deviants looking for a new way to spend a Friday night, hopefully I can assist you in your golden-brick-road to hell.

Enter Burning Angel Entertainment’s Re-Penetrator (2004), a 21-minute porn homage to H.P. Lovecraft’s 1985 cult-horror classic Re-Animator.

Tagline: “Dr. Hubert Breast has a very good head on his shoulders… and another one on the dick in his pants!”

Synopsis: Dr. Hubert Breast (Tommy Pistol) resurrects a 20-year-dead stripper (Joanna Angel) by means of a girthy syringe filled with glow-stick fluid into her rigor-mortised “fun wound.” The DOA poll-dancer rises from the dead, and craves Dr. Breast’s “graduated cylinder.” I don’t want to give away any spoilers, but I’m sure the good doctor proceeds to violate every festering hole, and probably ends up missing a few inches by story’s end. And they all lived happily ever after.

Re-Penetrator was banned from being hosted on any American internet server, and is currently illegal to be viewed or sold in zip codes in 24 U.S. states. To the film’s credit, however, Re-Penetrator won the 2006 Adult Video News Award for “Most Outrageous Sex Scene.” And HOW! That’s the PORN INDUSTRY saying that Re-Penetrator is fucked up, even for porn standards!

Next on our Zombie Porn docket, Porn of the Dead (honestly… the people who write titles for pornos have the easiest job on earth… short of the guy who oils Hayden Panettiere’s thighs on the Heroes set).

Tagline: “‘Cause Zombies have to get it on, too!”

Synopsis: Directed by Rob Rotten, and distributed by Metro Studios in 2006, basically the plot to Porn of the Dead is… well… it’s a five-scene Zombie Porn… wherein the biters look like they’ve had an unfortunate accident at an Airbrushed T-Shirt booth at the county fair, and then stumbled into the oatmeal exhibit.

One scene depicts a man in a creepy van picking up a Zombie street walker, then proceeding to choke her to death and have rotten sex with her (makes sense…). Another sequence goes all Adaptation on your ass, featuring a film crew shooting an equally awful porno that is then invaded and attacked by a threesome of undersexed undead. The last sequence, sure to give some gentlemen pause as to where they stick their dicks, SPOILER, depicts a man getting more than his money’s worth from a strait-jacketed Zombie mohel (go ahead… Wiki it. I’ll wait.).

Want to see a clip? You really don’t. But here it is anyway.

Moving onward, Glenn Danzig, formerly of the Misfits and getting knocked out by a huge bodyguard in a backstage hallway, I’m sure figured Rob Zombie was carving a niche into mainstream cinema, so why couldn’t he carve out a similar niche in the adult movie industry, with his magnum opus Grub Girl (2006), directed by Craven Moorehead and starring Brittney Skye as the titular decomposing heroine?

Tagline: “From the Verotik comic series by Edward Lee of Zombie Hooker.”

Synopsis: Grub Girl follows the title character, a zombie hooker back from the dead looking to exact revenge on those that wronged her whilst she was among the living.

Grub Girl is the most “legit” of the Zombie Pornos featured thus far, as it boasts a pro-cast (Brittney Skye, Charmaine Star, Teanna Kai, Eva Angelina and GiGi), and a legitimate, legendary name behind the production (Danzig).

The most nerd-gasmic Zombie Porn title I found in my journeys (thanks to PoP! Forum Member Dr. Jonathan Crane) would be Left 4 Head, from Sleazegroin Theater (pronounced thee-uh-tuh). From only that terribly clever title, you should know it’s a “survival-horror porno” based on the Left 4 Dead zombie shoot’em-up-and-hack’em video game. In Left 4 Head, over the course of this 12-minute epic, the game’s heroine, Zoey, gets violated every which way only previously seen in Left 4 Dead fan-fic.

Tagline: “Hey, y’know that Left 4 Dead video game? Here’s a porno that is kinda similar!” –Jason Knize, PanelsOnPages.com

Synopsis: Zoey from Left 4 Dead gets Zee-Effed. That is all.

Left 4 Head is available through most torrent searches! And check out the sequel… Left 4 Anal!

Besides the above featured titles, I’m sure you can log on to your favorite adult website, type in “zombie” into the search engine, and you’ll get what you’ve got coming to you. I apologize in advance if a similar search brings up an Sherri-Moon Zombie clips, although, her acting ability is on par with the Brittney Skyes of the world.

Here are only a couple of the auxillary Zom-Porn sites/features I found during my intensive research.

Do I still have to stress that said links are NSFW, folks?

Here.

And HERE.

In conclusion, Porn is weird. It takes all kinds. Who am I to judge what revs someone else’s motor? I’m not. However, you’ve gotta appreciate the sheer geek-tacity of this sub-genre of adult entertainment. Honestly though… how else are ugly porn actors and actresses supposed to get work? If you don’t take at least a peek at one of the links included within, you’re doing yourself a disservice.

Hi, Mom and Dad!

–Knize