Outside the Longbox: VH-1′s Trash TV!
We’re all about comics here at Panels On Pages, but a geek cannot live on comics alone. Outside the Longbox is our chance to spotlight something outside our typical 4-color realm, be it movies, music, TV or whatever.
This week on Outside the Longbox: VH-1′s Trash TV!
Following the ridiculous success of MTV’s The Osbournes, a new genre of reality television was born, which VH-1 dubbed “Celebreality”. Aging superstars, down-on-their-luck actors, one-hit-wonders, and tabloid cannon fodder now had a viable way to make a buck that didn’t involve blowing a guy on Mulholland, simply by allowing cameras to follow them around at thier lowest of lows. One of VH-1′s marquee Celebreality series was The Surreal Life, a Real World living situation featuring D-list celebs from all walks of life. Arguably, one of the more entertaining seasons of the show featured former crack addict and Public Enemy hype-man Flavor Flav wooing aged Rocky IV starlet Brigette Neilsen. Their Surreal Life relationship begat their own series, Strange Love, and after having his heart broken by Brigette, Flav was given his own VH-1 “Bachelor” style dating show, Flavor of Love, which raised the bar on mindless, trashy television that serves as VH-1′s bread and butter to this very day, and it has created a television universe on par with the Marvel 616.
Flavor of Love was somehow able to corral enough women into an LA McMansion that seemed at least slightly interested in this diminutive, gold-toothed, viking-helmeted rapper.
"HEY! HEY! GET ME ON TAPE!"
On episode 1 of season 1 of Flavor of Love, Flav admitted to being terrible at remembering names (crack’s a helluva drug), so he gave each stipper-shoed suitor a ridiculous, often misspelled, and sometimes downright demeaning nickname (Pumkin, Hottie, Red Oyster), a ceremony that would continue through 3 seasons of the show, 2 seasons of I Love New York, and 2 seasons of Real Chance of Love. Each episode, the girls were put into laughable challenges and the winner(s) would be granted a date with the gentleman Flav, while at the close of each show, someone had to pack their bags. Flav sifted through the hoodrats and skeezers, and eventually narrowed the field down to two women, New York and Hoopz, the latter of which he would chose to be his “boo”, and gifted her with a custom set of gold grills. Unfortunately for the couple, things didn’t work out, and on the Flavor of Love reunion, they admitted to being only “friends”, but fortunately for the show producers and VH-1, season 2 of Flavor of Love was all but definite.
That's the sound of 20 fathers dying of disappointment.
Season 2 debuted, and with it came another gaggle of crazy beetches, one of which, Sumthin, took a shit on the staircase on episode 1 because she couldn’t hold it any longer. That’s the kind of classy lady that takes part in a Flavor of Love show. Season 1 contestant New York returned in a surprise twist towards the end of Season 2, and once again, was rebuffed by Flav and sent packing in the finale. Again, Flav and his “winner”, Deelishis, did not last forever, and a final third season of Flavor of Love was aired, and in the end, the man known as William Drayton said “Fuck It.” and married his baby mama anyhow. But at least we got three seasons of mind-numbing television out of it, and the beginnings of a Hanna Barbara-esque crossover universe.
Watch out! She's got airborne Herpes!
New York went on to star in two seasons of I Love New York (as well as New York Goes to Work and New York Goes to Hollywood), a surprising feat considering she’s a vapid, horrible human being (but great for television!). Two of her suitors from season 1, brothers “Real” and “Chance” would also get their own spin-off dating series, Real Chance of Love, currently in its second season, wherein both brothers look for love (obviously, in all the wrong places).
Real: "I'm going to spare the world any Lil Chance's. PYEW PYEW!"
We can’t leave the aging 80′s rock star out of it, though! Bret Michaels, frontman for 80′s hair metal band Poison, also hitched his trailer to the VH-1 dating show bandwagon with three seasons of Rock of Love, almost identical in format to Flavor of Love, but with less melanin and more silicone. It’s really quite an easy formula for any of these shows: Take star, gather 20+ shameless men or women, lock them in one of three mansions VH1 keeps on rotation, stir in gallons of tequila and vodka, shake vigorously, and set the cameras to record.
More yeast than a Wonderbread plant.
These four dating shows have spun-off two other “All-Star” series, the first, Charm School, wherein the cursing, spitting, shitting, and sucking tramps and trollops of Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, and Real Chance of Love are made into proper ladies, and the other, I Love Money, includes the boys from I Love New York in a loud, sweaty race to $100,000 and more screen-time.
Rock of Love, not one to be outdone by Flavor of Love, has also spun off two other dating shows featuring the not-so-lovable losers that Bret Michaels didn’t want on his tour bus, the first being Daisy of Love, featuring the tattooed dimitted runner-up of Season 2, and Megan Wants a Millionaire, starring Rock of Love season 2′s Megan, with a body from heaven and a personality from a septic tank.
However unlikable New York, Daisy, and Megan are, I cannot NOT watch, because then how am I going to know who the new contestants are on I Love Money!?
It truly is TERRIBLE television, each show is more or less a carbon copy of the other, and the Elimination ceremonies are like fingernails on a chalkboard, no one will EVER find true love on any of these shows (but probably a mean case of gonorrhea), but they are all enjoyable to watch while snuggled up in bed on a Monday or Sunday night when no one else is around…because frankly…I don’t want people to know I watch this garbage.
Oh shit.
Shout out to August FGotM Kristin “Foxy” Allen, who is also an admitted addict!
Also, stay tuned to PanelsOnPages.com for my exclusive Chicago Comic-Con interview with Leilene Ondrade from Flavor of Love, Charm School, and I Love Money!
PoP! DOES indeed ROCK.
–Knize
UPDATE: Thanks to my homegirl and fellow VH-1 Trash TV addict, Kristin “Foxy” Allen, I’ve been alerted to some pretty disturbing news!
Megan Wants a Millionaire contestant on the run in Model Murder.
Filed Under: Columns • Outside the Longbox
Shouldn’t you be editing some video together?
I saw this on Facebook and knew you were behind it!
And I have to say seeing Leilene at the bar was both weird and awesome at the same time.
Are you liking Megan Wants a Millionaire? I am completely hooked.
Josh: MFer! I was capturing while writing! PFFT!
Kristin: If it was Saturday and I was in my tie, I probably would’ve come down and made her feel uncomfortable.
As for Megan Wants a Millionaire, I dig it. However, the Butler narration is a little cheeseball, the fact that these guys are all “classy” makes me think there won’t be much in the way of DRAMA, and Megan, although a hose-beast on Rock of Love/Charm School/I Love Money, is actually portrayed as somewhat likable, and at the same time, not at all apologetic about her materialistic ways.
And that body is redonkulous.
And what about me, K-Nice? Huh? Don’t I get a personalized response? Asshat.
Did you ask a question?
No, you didn’t. Now continue to praise me.
PRAISE ME!
I’ve got to celebrate you, baby!
I love you, Knize. This is fantastic! You just saved me from any shred of curiosity that may have brought me to one day watch these shows.
BRAVO! Great stuff, man!
I cackled at those photo captions…Well done!
Holy shit, I totally missed the captions the first time.
That may be the best use of, “HEY! HEY! GET ME ON TAPE!” since it’s inception.
Fuck it…. Im an addict also. Its probably because at some point or another one of these girls are gonna show boobs or the guys are gonna end up fighting and cracking their heads with a beer bottle like in Daisy of Love. I Love Madness. However, the annoying girls is the reality shows that I dare not watch, New York is annoying and no matter what she does, im still going to picture that spit entering her mouth courtesy of Pumpkin. Megan is straight up idiotic and I love how she got her ass kicked by Sharon Osbourne for even mentioning Ozzy. And finally Daisy is stupid. Really.
All in all, I Love Money just feels like a knock off of the MTV reality show Real World/Road Rules Challenges while A Shot of Love with Tila felt like a carbon copy of Flavor. Somebody is watching these reality shows and its the people that refuse to admit it. How else would they be bringing it back?
On a side note, Im betting New York is chillin at home talkin shit about Jennifer Hudson and sayin, I had your man first! Dude kissed her for god sake!
I blame Flavor Flav for all this crazy shit.
Another news update from Foxy….apparently in the wake of this Playbody Model Murder/Person of Interest situation, VH-1 has suspended any future airings of Megan wants a Millionaire. HOLY SHIT!
He’s officially a suspect. This douche is fucked.
http://www.myfoxla.com/dpp/news/local/Report_Jenkins_Now_Considered_Suspect_20090820
Apparently, he also bragged that he WON I Love Money 3!
FUCK!
So I was flipping through television stations last night and based on y’all’s infatuation with VH1 dating shows, I gave whatever was playing at the time a chance. I can see where it could be fun to watch this show with friends, particularly when some of the “contestants” names were Chicken Wing, Razzle Dazzle, and Flipper, but I couldn’t tolerate it alone. It was like masturbating to dog fights; I just felt dirty and ashamed.
Yeah…I pretty much have to close the door and shut the lights when watching this stuff. It’s probably blackening my heart, too.
It was hard to watch Flavor of Love without thinking Chuck D was going to come in at any minute and smack him over the head with a mic.
This is getting super fucked up.. her teeth and fingers were removed before she was stuffed in the suitcase. That poor girl. The AP video, if you’re following this story at all: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6Ewf0WPBYo
Foxy is becoming the PoP! crack reporter!
Jesus. People are fucking nutbar cooky.
Think VH1 Cops and America’s Most Wanted will do a cross over special? We just need Megan to ID the guy.
I dunno…I worry about the future of the VH1 shows…this is NOT good PR. Especially considering the dude beat up his ex BEFORE he was on Megan Wants a Millionaire.
And obviously, this is fucked up for the family of the deceased.
With that in mind, they are probably just going to get background check on all their contestants for now on. It be pretty creepy to have someone there that fucked up before they came on the show only to have the producers pull the plug on it.
You would think they’d already have background checks in place…
51 Minds Entertainment were the people behind ‘Megan’ and virtually every VH1 dating/reality show, plus a ton of other shows on different networks. They are the ones who were responsible for screening the contestants. Which is a scary thought for the participants, who else did they let on these shows? How in depth are these ‘screenings?’
The next dating shows lined up is for VH1 are Frank “The Entertainer” of Love and For the Love of Ray J 2.
The only positive thing for that girl’s family is that his face is known, he’ll be easier to spot than a regular Joe Schmoe.
A good recap piece on everything up to this point: http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-model-murder21-2009aug21,0,7149248.story
I didn’t include Ray J in my list of shows in the article, because I haven’t seen the crossover yet. Will it happen? I don’t know.
I also read on TMZ that 51 Minds “outsources” their background checks, and this one just kinda got passed them.
Good for Frank the Entertainer! He’s such a loudmouth jackass, but probably one of the more lovable characters.
I’ve never seen Ray J, but I am looking forward to Frank’s show. I’m willing to bet that Becky’s going to show up. His parents, too. :p
Wow.. pretty damn good read. I’ve watched some of these shows.. but never the full thing. Too damn ridiculous for me.
lol, Tom Green is awesome… Danger, smashed the homies!
Also, a good question to ask… Why is a Millionaire on I Love Money 3? I mean this guy must have had millions of dollars and to think he pulled this shit. And he would be easier to spot, however, why isn’t anyone spotting him thus far? Unless Canada has a rule up there.
Nothing spices up a PoP column like murder.
Im actually waiting for some update on this… Foxy?
Last I read they still haven’t found her teeth or fingers yet. I also read that along with fingers and teeth, any ‘distinguishing features’ were removed as well, so that could be tattoos, birthmarks, moles. Icky. She ended up being ID’d by the serial number on her breast implants.
The hotel security footage shows Ryan leaving (he never checked out) with what looks like the same suitcase she was found in. The hotel says there weren’t any noise complaints that evening so they aren’t sure if he killed her at the hotel or not. They pretty much agree that the mutilation happened at another location.
Just did a search now, it looks like he’s been arrested.
http://www.news1130.com/more.jsp?content=20090822_005156_9876
If I find anything else I’ll post it here.
Also, Megan Wants a Millionaire has officially been cancelled by VH1.
Kristin, you are on the BALL with these updates!
1. Serial Number on the breast implants!? Holy shit! Seems like the guy went WAY out of his way to remove any trace that the body was HER, and one of the things that probably attracted him to her in the first place is what is going to bring him down….nuts…all of it.
2. Megan Wants a Millionaire being canceled makes me a Sad Panda. Same goes for I Love Money 3, I’d assume.
False alarm on the arrest. It ended up being a man who looked like Ryan, not actually him.
Ryan Jenkins has been found dead in Hope, British Columbia.
http://www.vancouversun.com/entertainment/Accused+killer+Ryan+Jenkins+found+dead+police+confirm/1922414/story.html
Its not how it should have gone down, but I guess he chose the bitch way out. This is just horrible. Two good shows perfectly wasted because of some asshole with possibly no money decided to kill his ex and then waste himself in the process. I hope this is enough justice for the girl’s family.
FUCK!
“She ended up being ID’d by the serial number on her breast implants.”
Holy shit.
That… That is just horrid.
I can’t help but think my article somehow caused this.
I still blame myself for the Chris Benoit thing.
Hilarious!